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Anniversaries

This week marks a few significant dates… most happy, one not quite so – but no less important.

* my significant other has reached an important and impressive professional milestone

* our 7th wedding anniversary, and

* our second baby’s due date.

from www.in.com

Okay, so “technically” it would be our “fifth” baby, but that’s neither here nor there. I would have been due this week, but I guess our angel decided that this was not the right time for us.

I had almost successfully pushed this anniversary aside, until the other day when my son mentioned something (spookily insightful) about babies. He’s a clever cookie, this kid, with an amazingly tender heart.

So, I’m now asking my angel babies… when am I going to be able to hold you? To bring you home with me, in my arms – not just in my heart? To introduce you to the big brother who so desperately wants to meet you? To tell you how much you are wanted, how much you are loved?

There are no tears this time… just an tense ache in my throat, and a deep, yearning anguish that has diminished a little over time, but is ever-present.

And again…

Day 4 of yet another go-around.  Surprisingly I was okay with it, even though I was late and had just started the whole “what if?”.  I refuse to think about the alternative possible reasons for “lateness”.  I think maybe because I’ve been so incredibly busy at work that I’ve not had much time to let myself think about much else.  Next go-around I won’t be so lucky.  Yay for holidays… blah.

But anyway, I’m posting a funny today.  Well, kind of.  We watched “Son of The Mask” on the weekend.  Great flick!  Super funny!  Master 6 LOVED it – nearly wet his pants during most of it.

However…

There is a scene.  THE scene – where the baby is made.

RUH ROH!!!

There was a gorgeous little animation of green Mask-like spermies beating each other up to get to the egg.

OH THE QUESTIONS!!!

Nope.  No questions.  Not really.  My gorgeous boy stayed almost silent.

Except for:  “Ew!!!!  SNOT!!!” 

I think we might have to have THE talk much much sooner than I had planned…   :D

Back to the time of month where I try not to drive myself crazy.

  • Fatigue?  Check.

…  although that maybe could be put down to the fact that I was up until nearly 2am working…  then go up at 5:30 to finish what I’d been doing.  Maybe.

  • Irritability?  Check.

…  although that could maybe have something to do with the above reason.  Maybe.

  • Frequent toilet trips?  Check.

…  although that could maybe have something to do with the extra (as in additional) extra-large cup of tea I had this morning.  Maybe.

  • Awesome hair?  Check.

Okay, I don’t usually say nice things about myself – but my hair today is gorgeous!  Haven’t done anything new to it:  same shampoo and conditioner, same straightening iron…  but just looks prettier today than it usually does.  AND it didn’t fall out in handfuls when I washed it yesterday – which is weird.  There were like 20 strands in the plug hole.  The only other time that has EVER happened is when I was UTD with DS.

See what I mean about driving myself crazy?  I don’t have an explanation for the lack of normal moulting…

And lastly, I’ve been having very annoying cramps for the past couple of days – and when I got up off the couch yesterday I moved the wrong way – and felt like I’d seriously strained an ovary.

Don’t laugh at me!!  :P    hehe!!  Alright, go on.  Have a giggle.

I know it’s not possible (is it?), but that’s exactly what it felt like.  Or at least in the perfect spot for it.

Oh well…  back to reality.  6dpo…  so prepare for Aunt Flo’s visit next week – but silently and fervently hope she forgets to show up.

I shocked my husband today.  Why?

Because I did something I almost never do.  Literally almost never.

I cried.

I was woken up today with a song, breakfast in bed and cuddles.  Perfect start to the morning.

Then Him Jr started to be normal.  By normal, I mean a typical the-world-revolves-around-me 6 year old.  Which normally is fine, and doesn’t cause too many issues.  Today, something just …  happened.

Today, my brain decided to go from nought to 1000mph in the space of about 3 seconds – there were just too many thoughts an emotions flowing all at once, and the tears started to flow.  At the time I couldn’t explain it, which left Him Sr in a whole mess of WTF.

Now that things are quiet, and both Him Sr and Him Jr are in bed, I think I’ve finally untangled the issue.

“Selfishness”.  Of course that can be “cured” by having responsibilities.

Responsibilities.  Like having something to look after.

Like a pet.  Or maybe someONE, rather than something.

Like a baby.  Nope, no baby.  

But you so desperately need to be a sibling.  You don’t need to HAVE a sibling…  you need to BE.

Enter tears.

Dammit!  Why do I have to do this to myself?  I’m torn between wishing I’d worked it out while Him Sr was still awake so we could talk about it…  and being glad he’s asleep because he gets more upset than I do when the subject comes up.

I know this journey isn’t meant to be easy, for whatever reason.  I know there’s a lesson in here somewhere…  but really, haven’t I learned enough along the way already?

I am eternally grateful that I have Him Jr.

I am blessed to be able to experience motherhood.

I wish all the ladies out there a Happy Mother’s Day.

Because whether or not you have a biological child, you are all parents in some way, shape or form.

Because being a parent is the hardest job in the world.

Because being a parent is the best and most rewarding job in the world.

Because even wanting to be a parent is already an act of the utmost love and selflessness.

That’s just my opinion anyway.  X

I’ve been living to see you
Dying to see you – but it shouldn’t be like this
This was unexpected, what do I do now?
Could we start again please?

I’ve been very hopeful so far
Now for the first time I think we’re going wrong
Hurry up and tell me this is just a dream
Oh could we start again please?

...

These are lyrics that often pop into my head when we get back to the beginning of the circle.  Circles aren’t supposed to have a beginning or and end, and maybe they don’t, but that’s where I frequently seem to be…  back at the beginning of the circle.

So, a mixed-emotions post today.

Sadness, disappointment and frustration that we get to do this all over again…

… and happiness, thankfulness and peace that we get to do this all over again.

Sadness, disappointment and frustration because my body is fully-functional…

… and happiness, thankfulness and peace because my body is fully-functional.

Hence the happy rain cloud pic today.


So today is 7dpo…  and I’m not particularly hopeful, as usual.
But there’s always just that tiny part of you that makes you wonder…
Why am I cramping now?
Why are my “girls” achy?
Why is my tummy tender?
Why…?
…  and then you remember it’s all “normal” LP stuff …
 But there’s always just that tiny part of you that makes you wonder…

My Master 6 went to play with at a friend’s house this morning.  I have made a big personal step in letting him go there by himself!  (It’s around the corner…)

There are 5 children in the family:  Miss-almost-7, Master-almost-6, Miss-4, Miss-2 and Master-3mo.  (All you parents-of-many-children, I have the utmost respect and admiration!)

My Master 6 came home a couple of hours later, happily tuckered out, and said:
“Miss-almost-7 and Master-almost-6 were fighting today.”
Me:  “Oh no!  That’s not very good, is it?  What happened?”
Him:  “Well, he bit her arm and scratched her back…  and she kicked him in the tummy.”
Me:  “Oh dear!”  then, half joking – “Are you sure you really want a brother or sister?  Aren’t you afraid you’d fight with them?”
Him:  “Absolutely not!  I want a baby brother or sister so I can treat them nicely and look after them and help them to make good choices!”

His words, not mine.  ♥

Then…    

Him:  “Why didn’t your angel babies stay with us?”
Me:  *sigh*  “I don’t know honey, I guess it just hasn’t been the right time for us yet.”
Him:  “I really wish you were pregnant now, Mum.  I really want to help you look after a baby and teach it stuff and love it.”

….

Me too honey…  me too.   Maybe this month…  maybe next…  maybe the one after.  Maybe it’s just not meant to happen.  But even after so long, and after so many disappointments, I can’t help but always have just that little spark of hope in the back of my heart.

Do my shoes match?

I caught up with a good friend of mine today for a movie/playdate.  This woman is a-MA-zing.  We have kind of similar stories, so she’s also a fantastic person to talk to when I need to IRL – which is very rare.

Now, I’m going to give a tiny bit of background here, but will not give all details because it’s not my story to tell.  She and her husband have no children of their own, but she brought “her two boys” with her today (hence the “playdate”).  Long story short, one of the boys’ parents suffers from a severe and chronic illness, so she regularly takes the boys to give mum and dad a break (did I say she’s amazing?  That’s only a small peep into this woman’s heart).   So it was an awesome chance for these boys and mine to make new friends and …  well…  be boys.  We went to see Rio (great movie, by the way!) – and all three boys loved it (so did we)!  Laughed their heads off the whole way through.  Gorgeous.

So, we’re standing around outside the bathrooms after the movie, waiting for all the boys to do what they needed to do after sitting for so long…  and there was (seemingly) an endless queue of pregnant bellies heading up the escalator!  Of course they were attached to torsos and heads and arms and legs as well, but you get my drift.

How can something like that be so painful – but so hilarious at the same time??  A couple of the ladies seriously looked like they were about to pop at a millisecond’s notice!  And they were absolutely beautiful.  Not a small amount of envy on my part…  I thought I caught a small glimpse in my friend’s eye as well – but can’t be sure.  She’s a little older than I am, so has had more practice hiding these feelings…  but I’m sure I saw it.

I love that I have found a kindred spirit in her…  obviously in this area of our lives, but in so many other areas as well.  She is the most amazing (I think I may have mentioned that already?), strong,  caring, loving, generous and stubborn soul I have ever met…  and I love her dearly.  She may not have biological children, but she has certainly found her own way of compensating – and these kids are so very, very lucky to have her in their lives.

As am I.

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